i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
