i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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