Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
