If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
