I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
