I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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