Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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