i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
