i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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