the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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