i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
God I need to hump something, right now.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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