I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
