Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
