I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
