Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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