Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
