sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
