I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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