Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
