i love accidental penises.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
