I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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