I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
