I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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