Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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