i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
