whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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