I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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