the condom got lost in my hair
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Your penis caused this!
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