I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
