Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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