she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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