I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
