If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize