I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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