dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
