you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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