talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My vagina is officially offended.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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