woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
