Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Enjoy the penises
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
