Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
