why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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