i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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