Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
