I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize