Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
