When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
