I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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