So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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