I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you had me at cake vodka
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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