The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
