I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
