Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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