Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
