I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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