I skipped work to stalk him.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize