I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Semen is not good for contacts.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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