i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
