Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
