There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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